A Few Words On My Experience With Cancer & Illness

I am generally a private person. I’d like to think that I am open and welcoming energetically, and it’s something I work on, but I tend to keep to myself unless asked specifically. There are already more than enough people in this world who talk too much, or about nothing, or about completely dogmatic ideas/opinions. I’m totally neutral to what I’m writing here, and am mainly writing with the intention of contributing something useful to whoever needs it. Even though it is strictly my subjective experience it could be of some use.

When I was diagnosed with colon cancer and colonic polyposis, I googled the operation (see “ostomy operation” or “stoma operation” under Google photo search for examples), I came across a blog of a young man who had gone through the same series of operations, and he ended up ok. Even though the pictures were terrifying and it upset me to know I was going to be cut in the same ways, he was ok.

This gave me some serious possibility.

I never commented on his blog. He would have no way of knowing that it was helpful, but it was a help to me, and I told myself that I should do something similar in case someone else is terrified and googling this thing that they’ve never heard of and don’t understand why they have to go along with it. After this, and possibly more posts on the topic, I’ll continue posting about my music, my life, and whatever insights I land on, and leave these up for whoever reads them.

On January 6, 2011 I went for my scheduled appointment with my surgeon, where it was predicted and expected that the results from my recent colonoscopy would be benign. I didn’t get the news I was expecting or hoping for. I guess that says something about both expectations and hope. It was said that I had colon cancer, and also what was suspected previously due to the type of polyps found and the amount – colonic polyposis. It’s probably best to google rather than get your explanations from a blog like this, but polyposis typically means that there are a lot of polyps, and they are the type that tend to want to turn into cancers. I was upset – I think my family was probably more upset than I was, but I was upset. I began to research a host of different ideas concerning cancer, and decided to take some time to fight it myself, to at least change my health and stop or slow the growth of the main tumor/polyp.

I began a 3 month period of cooking and eating only pure foods, no sugars, very little starches, a host of techniques, spiritual and mundane,  remedies and supplementation that is irrelevant here(I won’t contribute to any ideas about “cancer cures”. Everyone needs to trust themselves and follow their own intuition. Anything can happen this way.), but it built new habits that I look forward to returning to once my 2nd surgery is over and I can eat normally again. As it turns out, what I was doing worked quite well (I found out after my surgery when they examined the removed colon and rectum. There was no cancer left, though the tumor was the same size.) I opted for surgery because I didn’t want to put pressure on myself to do everything at once and dissolve a very large group of polyps- to be the guinea pig and have a particular outcome in mind. Aspects of the spiritual approach acknowledge that there is “nothing to cure”, while the perceived reality of a large polyp farm had other ideas. The truth, however, is neither flaky nor is it concrete. It’s beyond either and always changing. There is always possibility, even in the darkest situations. It was important to me to take the pressure off, acknowledge where I was at, and get this thing removed. I took my surgeon’s advice so as not to create a conflict within myself. I asked myself whether this would be the best thing, and it turns out the answer was “Yes”. Awareness would take care of itself and I’d know whatever I need in time.

I specifically wanted to be strong for the people around me, and I ended up cultivating this attitude because of that simple intention. I would joke about it so as not to give it more power than it deserved. That’s not to say I didn’t have fearful moments. I thought about being cut open, and silly things like if I woke up during the surgery, or if something went wrong with the anesthetic. But most of my time was spent with friends having a good time. I removed stresses from my life. Things simplified and I had to let go of my identity completely. I quit a job I had just been hired for. I cancelled my kung fu training. I put my music projects on hiatus. I didn’t “do” anything. I didn’t have something to say when people ask the beloved question “What do you do?” This is something our Western culture highly values and it takes an adjustment to step away from it. I was heading into a roughly 8 month period that would be mainly surgeries and recoveries. It was as if I was being forced to stop trying to go somewhere and just be. Do nothing because they way you were “doing”, you were screwing with things. Stop! DO NOT! DO NOTHING!

I’m going to enjoy the rest of my evening here and not be tied to this, so I’ll continue with the hospital experience tomorrow, or “asap”. The main thing I’ll say for anyone facing this, or ANY difficulty, is to accept. Observe yourself. Be truly in the moment, like a child, and don’t be afraid to drop everything, especially the ideas you’ve accumulated over your lifetime; your identity, your beliefs, your biases and opinions. It’s a process of elimination. When you do this, you leave room for something else.

Nethi! Nethi! Nethi!