When you discount something else, you are attempting to elevate and separate yourself. It’s a way of forging an understanding that is not complete. Just as you have no way of understanding another life form besides observing it in the spirit of oneness, you don’t have an understanding of any other human, and they can’t be changed from the outside.

The illusion of the “voice of reason”, the perceived religious certainty of science, the picket sign, the terrorist, the religious messenger, the social network status, the community gathering – none of these things will change the world. As much as we want to reach out and make an adjustment somewhere outside of ourselves, it can’t be done. It’s all a lie that we tell ourselves over and over, and we just build a wall around ourselves every time we contribute to it. Seperation. The internal house must be put in order, and only then, there is right action and a proper effect. The direction is IN.

My diagnosis was colon cancer and familial adenomatous polyposis. Don’t worry. You don’t need to know what it means to overcome it. Information can easily be overrated in our world view. Just look at the news. I have included in italic some information specifically taken from http://www.surgeryencyclopedia.com/Fi-La/Ileoanal-Reservoir-Surgery.html for the benefit of those who will be undertaking this surgery or similar surgeries for the treatment of cancer, polyposis, colitis, or anything else.

I was very divided about posting on this blog again so I’ll start off by saying to anyone suffering from a disease that you absolutely can get through it to the other side. The news is generally good. What is on the other side, though, is not always the typical “run a marathon” mentality associated with “cancer survival”. The picture is yours alone to paint.

Beyond this though, the essential message that everything is, in fact, going to be ok; nothing I have to say here should necessarily be inspiring or of any value. It’s merely a memory of an experience and the mire held onto in the present moment. Recently I’ve begun to highly devalue opinions, beliefs, the value of viewpoints, as well as the need for the public sharing of them. It seems that almost everyone is waiting to slightly adjust what they’ve just heard to suit their pallet. Statements are not listened to and absorbed before a counterpoint is offered. We seem more concerned with telling each other “how things are” than really listening to each other.

I came to the conclusion that the only good reason to do any kind of art, writing, or expression was for the people who are still able to be receptive. This may be a few in every thousand, but they are still there. Some say you should do it for yourself, but I no longer believe this view holds any ground. I used to place a value in catharsis, but now see it as similar to eating ice cream. The need that it fills is not necessarily a healthy one. When the need for catharsis is calmed, silence is there waiting. If you were to do something for yourself, you would be silent. If you were to express yourself in some way, it is sent into the ether as potential energy where it is then available to others. This is a beautiful thing in itself. I’ve had to review the process for myself and filter it for it’s truth, because it sometimes seems that everyone is calling themselves an expert or a teacher of some sort, constantly talking and responding, and no one is left to be receptive to each other. I’ve opened my eyes to it and seen it everywhere. There are more life coaches than people living lives.

I’ve made effort to connect with what is within. Let’s call it “whatever it is”.  The compass or the presence. The string that holds our existence together. I’d hesitate to call it a purpose or a reason, because it doesn’t need to be that. We seem to focus very heavily on broadcasting our daily activities. I like to think that there is something below, or beyond these things. Something that provides a backdrop, or a reason to continue our activities, rather than those things being advertised relentlessly. There must be further meaning beyond the trivial things we advertise about ourselves, and why don’t we strive to communicate on that level? I don’t wish to offend anyone’s sensibilities. The point is, if any, that I have observed, questioned and discarded many aspects of life.

Though my situation was most likely genetic in nature, seeing how callous people are to their own health is sobering. Most of us don’t realize we’re on an assembly line waiting for a disease of some sort. Much of it is avoidable with a little care. That’s a choice every individual has and it’s a positive. To do this, the compass is needed, not getting lost in the shallow end.

Info:

A number of diseases require removal of the entire colon or parts of the colon. Proctolectomies (removal of the entire colon) are often performed to treat colon cancer. Another surgical option is the creation of an ileoanal pouch to serve as an internal waste reservoir—an alternative to the use of an external ostomy pouch. An ileoanal reservoir procedure is performed primarily on patients with ulcerative colitis, inflammatory bowel disease (IBD), familial polyposis, or familial adenomatous polyposis (FAP), which is a relatively rare cancer that covers the colon with 100 or more polyps. FAP is caused by a gene mutation on the long arm of human chromosome 5. Ileoanal reservoir surgery is recommended only in those patients who have not previously lost their rectum or anus.

Demographics

The prevalence of familial adenomatous polyposis (FAP) in the United States is two to three cases per 100,000 persons. It develops before age 40 and accounts for about 0.5% of colorectal cancers; this figure is declining, however, as more at-risk families are undergoing detection and prophylactic colon surgery. The annual incidence of ulcerative colitis is 10.4–12 cases per 100,000 people. The prevalence rate is 35–100 cases per 100,000. 

Purpose seems to be a problem for many people; a riddle that mystifies and eludes us. Most people feel that they haven’t found their purpose, and as a result must search for it. They pray to gods, angels, teachers, universes and entities while outwardly projecting their limited ideas onto these things. They look for advice in books, intellectually “agree”, and repeat quotes to others, hoping to be seen as wise and have their new ideas reaffirmed. They will ask others who they feel are “further along” or “more evolved” what they should do with themselves. It seems that a feeling of lack will only discover more of the same. If you get a new job or volunteer somewhere you may consider it to be part of your purpose. Subscribing to a religious belief typically gives this same sense of direction and excitement. But do these things really have anything to do with purpose?

Is having a purpose necessary? Is it a form of demanding? A way for us to make sense of our suffering, our failures and our trials? This is a good question to go into – not to answer immediately with whatever we think is true based on our dogmatic impulses, but to sit with for a while.

And if there is a purpose, could it be something more critical and important than our personal likes and dislikes, our careers and chosen daily activities, our strong sense of “self” and memory that we filter our awareness through? Is there something beyond all this, and does it even require this “purpose” we demand of life?

I was scheduled for the illeoanal reservoir surgery, which basically means that you first get cut open, have your colon and rectum completely removed, a bowel resection, and you temporarily have an ostomy. The next surgery “puts you back together”, so to speak, and the bowel resection is redirected. A pouch is formed and attached to the anus; all your organs are once again inside your body and daily life resumes. It was the “getting cut open” part that worried me.

Being put under anesthetic is like a death of sorts. You have to sign off. There’s something relaxing and freeing about this. You don’t have much choice but to give in. The most important thing in this stage is to TRUST. Trust yourself. Trust the process you’ve chosen. Trust that it will be ok. The anesthesiologist asked me what my favorite bands were, and just as I was about to respond starting with “The Beatles, and…”, the mask was over my nose and mouth and I thought “I know exactly what you’re doing…”. You can challenge yourself to stay awake as long as possible, but it still doesn’t last long.

When I woke up after the surgery, there was definitely pain present. It was coming in waves and seemingly out of my control. It wasn’t all handled by the anesthetic. Everything seemed delayed in this new world, even responses to my questions. I suppose you don’t typically listen for clarity from someone in my predicament. This was taken care of within a fairly short time.  The nurses were very attentive. They ran a scanning type device over my forehead and I said “The 3rd eye test, hey? Don’t worry. It’s functional.” I probably said this to 6 or 7 nurses and doctors over the next week. Only one seemed to have an idea what I was referring to. I guess they just don’t teach metaphysics, even the basics, in medical school. It was important to me to maintain my sense of humor and even raise it; to not be a difficult patient but even to improve people’s day on occasion, etc.

The morphine drip worked like a charm. I wouldn’t say it’s as great as some people say it is as far as drug effects are concerned, but it did the job and there was definitely some moderate euphoria present (do those terms go together?). Within a few hours of the surgery, there was barely any pain at all and I was feeling great. I remember watching Conan O’Brian that night and feeling a deep sense of well being. It was over and I could laugh.

During the following few days I spent my time sleeping, visiting with family, reading the new stack of books I’d collected, listening to rock n’ roll, and checking for good television. The only show I enjoyed during the days was Ellen DeGeneres. It’s because she has a great spirit – it doesn’t particularly matter who’s on her show or the format. She has a great spirit and it’s contagious.

I was “plugged in” in more ways than I could have predicted; a catheter, an IV, anti-blood clotting pads on my legs, and some other tubes which I can’t recall the purpose of. Nurses would take my vitals and adjust my medications every hour. I was taken care of. By Day 3, I was thinking that this process was quite enjoyable. I hadn’t been warned what could happen once the anesthetic wore off, and I don’t think I had given it any thought.

I woke up at about 3 am covered in blood. It was all over the bed. I have to say this was one of the worst experiences of my life. I hit the nurse button, but this was one occasion where they were busy. No one came. 10 minutes later I tried again. When they finally showed up, it was the first and only time I broke down. I was quite the case. It was explained to me that this was normal, and it was only leftover surgical blood. Maybe this should be mentioned in some of the documents they give you when you get admitted for these things. If this happens to me again though, which it most likely will, it will be smooth sailing.

After this, it was 2 days straight of the worst nausea I have ever felt. The drugs couldn’t seem to catch up with it. At one point I vomited, which is not a pleasant thing when your abdomen is stapled together and the incision is leaking something green. I was given the option to have a tube shoved up my nose and fed into my stomach to vacuum out all the debris. In hindsight, I probably should have taken this option. It’s just that I read the faces of the doctors and nurses as they would explain it to me. They would use terms like “very painful” and “not fun at all”, and I decided against it. Maybe next time I’ll do this if I experience the same thing.

I lost some weight. 4 days of no food will do this to you. It was to the point where I could see all of my ribs. I woke up one morning and looked in the mirror to see myself looking extremely frail. Overcome with some sort of melodramatic emotion, a voice came in my head that said “This situation requires strength.”.  That was a good enough explanation for me, and I decided to take the excess emotion out of the game and simply apply strength. Calm strength, not any kind of force.

I’m not sure what else to say, except that angle and perspective are critical. It’s in the angle that you look at things. People are shocked to know that I remember having a good time at the hospital. The times that I wasn’t in extreme pain were relaxing, fulfilling, and childlike. If you have the attitude “Why did this happen to me? What did I do wrong? This is going to ruin my year. I’m not going to get better.” etc….you can bet that you’re programming yourself with useless ideas. You’re the Captain of your own ship, so you’d better get your word play in a productive space. If you don’t “show up” in the present moment, you can get that Ego will, and it’s got a lot of thoughts it wants to share with you.

The cleaning lady at the hospital would come in my room daily and say things like “So young, So young” and “Why does this happen?” She asked me one day “Don’t you ever ask God why this happened to you? You’re too young. So much pain for someone so young.” I told her it’s not a problem. I have spiritual power and this situation would make me wiser. She immediately stopped what she was doing. She opened up and told me about some traumatic experiences from her life. I could tell that she hadn’t done this with anyone for years. I felt honored that someone would feel like they could do that with me, and it opened possibilities that probably contributed to the decision to write this. I realized that the more I strengthen myself from within, the more capable I am to help others. That is an interesting prospect.

I am content & thankful. I meditate and go deep within every day. I am writing again yet accept no pressure. I spend a lot of quality time with my girlfriend Liz and my close friends. I have been reading Ram Dass, J. Krishnamurti, That Nich Hanh, Wayne Dyer, and many others. I test everything I read and come across with the question “Does it work?” If it does, let the intellectuals deal with the surface understanding and I’ll continue on the path of experience.

It’s an exciting time for transformation.

A quote that I wrote while in the hospital…

“Lightning strikes somewhere inside. Just like that, the fear has died.”

I have to say, though, make sure to take a lot of time to yourself and only spend time with people who lift your energy as opposed to drain it. It can be a subtle difference.

Ever since my experience especially, I am VERY careful when giving advice. You may notice that in many cases when you tell people what you have been doing with yourself, they will advise you on how you can do it better, as opposed to simply listening and gaining an understanding. This can be ego and it can also be a nervous tick. When people would find out about my diagnosis, some would calmly listen, support, and keep it simple. Others would go on advice overload; nervous energy. (Disclaimer: Most advice was welcome and I utilized it.)

Of course, with the right person this is welcome and that shouldn’t be misunderstood. It takes INTUITION to say the right thing at the right time. That takes sensitivity and awareness. But many of us just like to talk. It doesn’t really matter much what we’re saying – as long as it’s something. I heard a saying recently. “Never overestimate the power of your advice”. Because what works for you will in many cases NOT work for another person. They are OUR illusions. We all choose different placebos according to our backgrounds and belief systems/limitations. It seems to me that this applies to everything including meditation, diet and general sense of well being.

The point of this blog is not to rant, but to say that hearing so much advice over such a short period of time made me deeply analyze the topic, and I am much more careful now with verbalizing my opinions to people as a result. In fact, I find that I have far less rigid opinions than I had before. I take a pause before giving advice and ask myself “Is this really beneficial to the person or is it just something I want to talk about?” It’s an important difference, and if we inquire into this, we may end up with more silence and a deeper understanding.

When I was diagnosed with colon cancer and colonic polyposis, I googled the operation (see “ostomy operation” or “stoma operation” under Google photo search for examples), I came across a blog of a young man who had gone through the same series of operations, and he ended up ok. Even though the pictures were terrifying and it upset me to know I was going to be cut in the same ways, he was ok.

This gave me some serious possibility.

I never commented on his blog. He would have no way of knowing that it was helpful, but it was a help to me, and I told myself that I should do something similar in case someone else is terrified and googling this thing that they’ve never heard of and don’t understand why they have to go along with it. After this, and possibly more posts on the topic, I’ll continue posting about my music, my life, and whatever insights I land on, and leave these up for whoever reads them.

On January 6, 2011 I went for my scheduled appointment with my surgeon, where it was predicted and expected that the results from my recent colonoscopy would be benign. I didn’t get the news I was expecting or hoping for. I guess that says something about both expectations and hope. It was said that I had colon cancer, and also what was suspected previously due to the type of polyps found and the amount – colonic polyposis. It’s probably best to google rather than get your explanations from a blog like this, but polyposis typically means that there are a lot of polyps, and they are the type that tend to want to turn into cancers. I was upset – I think my family was probably more upset than I was, but I was upset. I began to research a host of different ideas concerning cancer, and decided to take some time to fight it myself, to at least change my health and stop or slow the growth of the main tumor/polyp.

I began a 3 month period of cooking and eating only pure foods, no sugars, very little starches, a host of techniques, spiritual and mundane,  remedies and supplementation that is irrelevant here(I won’t contribute to any ideas about “cancer cures”. Everyone needs to trust themselves and follow their own intuition. Anything can happen this way.), but it built new habits that I look forward to returning to once my 2nd surgery is over and I can eat normally again. As it turns out, what I was doing worked quite well (I found out after my surgery when they examined the removed colon and rectum. There was no cancer left, though the tumor was the same size.) I opted for surgery because I didn’t want to put pressure on myself to do everything at once and dissolve a very large group of polyps- to be the guinea pig and have a particular outcome in mind. Aspects of the spiritual approach acknowledge that there is “nothing to cure”, while the perceived reality of a large polyp farm had other ideas. The truth, however, is neither flaky nor is it concrete. It’s beyond either and always changing. There is always possibility, even in the darkest situations. It was important to me to take the pressure off, acknowledge where I was at, and get this thing removed. I took my surgeon’s advice so as not to create a conflict within myself. I asked myself whether this would be the best thing, and it turns out the answer was “Yes”. Awareness would take care of itself and I’d know whatever I need in time.

I specifically wanted to be strong for the people around me, and I ended up cultivating this attitude because of that simple intention. I would joke about it so as not to give it more power than it deserved. That’s not to say I didn’t have fearful moments. I thought about being cut open, and silly things like if I woke up during the surgery, or if something went wrong with the anesthetic. But most of my time was spent with friends having a good time. I removed stresses from my life. Things simplified and I had to let go of my identity completely. I quit a job I had just been hired for. I cancelled my kung fu training. I put my music projects on hiatus. I didn’t “do” anything. I didn’t have something to say when people ask the beloved question “What do you do?” This is something our Western culture highly values and it takes an adjustment to step away from it. I was heading into a roughly 8 month period that would be mainly surgeries and recoveries. It was as if I was being forced to stop trying to go somewhere and just be. Do nothing because they way you were “doing”, you were screwing with things. Stop! DO NOT! DO NOTHING!

I’m going to enjoy the rest of my evening here and not be tied to this, so I’ll continue with the hospital experience tomorrow, or “asap”. The main thing I’ll say for anyone facing this, or ANY difficulty, is to accept. Observe yourself. Be truly in the moment, like a child, and don’t be afraid to drop everything, especially the ideas you’ve accumulated over your lifetime; your identity, your beliefs, your biases and opinions. It’s a process of elimination. When you do this, you leave room for something else.

Nethi! Nethi! Nethi!